the highs and lows of a performance ending

I had a performance this weekend with the company I dance for. And we kicked ass.  I’ve had so many people telling me how amazing I was, and I impressed myself with my performance.

But the company is now on hiatus until September because the choreographer is more than 8 months pregnant, so we’re not doing anything until after my fringe show is over. But when we get back, the boy in that picture won’t be in the company anymore because he is going away to school. And I’m really sad about it.

We had a hard time rehearsing that duet because we weren’t connecting. It was admittedly more difficult than usual for me to feel intimate with my partner–he’s only 17. He’s a great dancer for his age, but still a little young. Whenever we were in rehearsal and had to make oogly eyes at each other, he goofied them up, or made silly faces or whatever, so it was difficult to achieve the level of intimacy we needed to feel with each other to make the dance successful.

I don’t know what happened, but the day of that performance, he showed up to tech rehearsal and wowed me. All of a sudden, there was passion in his eyes and it was much easier to give it back. All of a sudden we were performing convincingly that we wanted each other.

And then it was over and we’re never going to be able to perform that piece again, which makes me feel so sad. There is always something shocking about our ability to transcend what we think are our upper limits right at the very last possible moment. But then, it’s over and you’re left riding on past successes and worrying you’ll never be that good again. I’ll find new ways. But I really, really liked that duet and I’m sad that it’s over and I’ll never get to do it again.

Having this hiatus until September is really a good thing in my life–it gives me a chance to focus on the show I’m putting on myself. But I miss this company. I know for a fact that it will be very successful because everything she’s made on us has wowed every audience we’ve performed for. But I want to be working toward that dream, and I’m a little worried that new motherhood will distract her or that she and her husband will decide to move to New York like they have talked about and the company will move to and leave me behind. I really don’t want that to happen–this company makes me feel like I’ve achieved my dreams and I don’t want to lose that.