Autumnal Equinox

Oh, boy has September been an intense month for me! The parents visited, which knocked everything off balance, there was the Fringe Fest, which meant three different performances three weekends in a row, and we had a rough week at work, so I’ve been working very long days, every day.

The equinox was a really great holiday for re-grounding myself in my life and my faith. Summer is my low-religious season, so I can feel my devotion picking up as the air is cooling–though not as much as I feel it should. We had a heat storm on Wednesday night!

I’ve been worrying a lot about money, since my boyfriend is still (mostly) unemployed. He’s been finding a lot of side work to do, but I certainly don’t make enough money to “bring home the bacon” as it were.

On the equinox, my sister, my boyfriend and I went to our local park. We found a bench from which we had a good view of the full moon sitting in the sky over the church on the corner, and we shared a pomegranate. Pomegranates were the first fruit I ever knew were seasonal–my mom talked about loving fall because you could get pomegranates. Up until that point, I had always just assumed you could get whatever you want, whenever you want. I was probably six or seven at the time.

Since converting to paganism, I find that my tastes in food are much more seasonal. And so for the autumnal equinox, a pomegranate is the perfect symbol of fall to me.

After that, my sister went home, and I took my shoes off and walked around in the grass. And it all came rushing back to me–my love of the land, of the grass and the trees. And how very much I have been missing them since moving to the city and fearing to take my shoes off because of broken grass and dog poo. But I took them off, and I stood in the grass watching the moon and all of my worries came to the surface. Missing the country. Being poor. Missing my friends from college. Missing when I was a Wiccan and I went out and drew down the moon every month. Davin held me as I sobbed to the moon and its wolf.

I also cleaned out my temple, changed the altars around to make more sense in my new understanding. I expanded Holda’s, made room on Freyja’ for Bast, and put pictures of the universe on my ancestor altar, so that it is now an altar to the Unfolding of the Cosmos.

I feel better. I feel purged and cleaned and ready to come inside myself and my gods for winter.

Missing Her

My parents came to visit this past nine days. And while they were here, I couldn’t go down into the basement to my temple. My mom, you see, completely disagrees with my religion and requires every spare moment of my attention when she’s in town.

I don’t hear my lady much in the summer time. I’m not sure why.

But while my parents were here, autumn descended suddenly upon Philadelphia. The past two days, the magic has been tangible in the air, that cooling down, the turning inward, the sparkling darkness of autumn. And I haven’t been able to connect because I couldn’t go into my temple because my parents are in town.

There is an insanity to Freyja. A crazy going after what she wants that leads her to leave everything behind and search the nine worlds for her passion, all the while crying unendingly golden tears of the joy and sorrow that her passion has brought her.

I knew that insanity this week. I missed her, and I wanted to seek her. I was trapped without her, and the joy and sorrow of my own passion left me kind of insane.

This week was also the Philly Fringe Festival, during which I had two shows. Everyone in my family hated the first, and loved the second. Just before the opening of the second show, the choreographer wrote the most wonderfully complimentary things about my dancing, and I was so happy. But before the end of the night I was sobbing because it wasn’t enough–I didn’t have a solo, I wasn’t thanked for being the only dancer to come to all the rehearsals. The show went well, I felt elated. But then I found out the choreographer is about to move to Europe, and I crashed again.

My parents went home today, and I went back to my temple and found my lady. I went to the park and relished the chilling air and the long sleeve shirts and the changing leaves and that intangible autumn-ness of Fall.

As soon as I went into my temple, everything made sense again. I have control of my emotions again. Thanks to Freyja.